Settle Design Disagreements With Your Partner, step by step
Q: Please, please tell me, you darling darlings, that you disagree on decor once in a while. Please. My hubby to be is lovely & supportive but not terribly interested in design and remodeling (he’s a grad student right now, mostly he is interested in sleep/school). However, he does not like what I pick out most of the time! It drives me BATTY! If you are feeling up to it, do you think you could perhaps journal about times when you did not see eye to eye? Any pointers on how to compromise in these design situations? I’d truly appreciate it! Thanks for a lovely journal, you do an remarkable job! -Summer
A: With all the decorating projects that Sherry and I take on around here, you will likely be relieved to learn that we do not consistently see eye to eye on everything. Goodness knows that simply because we are married does not mean we are consistently in agreement…
But we have ironed out a fairly good system for overcoming our decorating disputes: we do not spend a penny or lift a paint brush until we are both on the same page (so if we start on distinct ones, there is a fair amount of begging and compromising to meet in the middle). Which means we have both become fairly good at pleading our case to one another.
Typically it is Sherry who does the pleading because, even as involved as I like to be in the design of our home, I still fit some classic husband stereotypes: I am generally resistant to change, I am stingy when it comes to spending on decor, and sometimes I feel too distracted by work, life, whatever to give my full attention to Sherry’s latest project. So here are some tactics- many of which have been used on me- to assist win over the husband who may be resisting your new design ideas, no eyelash batting required (well, perhaps a little).
1. The Passionate Pitch: Detail your vision with enthusiasm, energy and excitement. Show pictures or sketches to bring things to life for your man (pictures can assist men feel more in control because they are more definitive than a bunch of words). Tell him why your latest decorating idea will improve his life (softer pillows for enjoying the game, a place to put his feet up, etc) and lay your heart on the table (showing him that his support and/or participation is essential to you can assist him feel valued). PRO: If you are a good salesperson you will hopefully get the “if it is essential to you, then I will trust you” response. CON: If the project seems too big and overwhelming, it could scare him off due to the perceived time or money investment.
To further demonstrate this approach, Sherry showed me an inspiration picture when she hoped to convince me to forgo typical dining room seating and bring in a padded bench. Of course she assured me that our space would be a bit less fru-fru than the one in the magazine (and the bench would hail from Target or Bed Bath & Beyond so it would not break the bank) – so that helped too.
2. The Baby Step: If big design projects scare your man into decision paralysis, spare him the big picture and get his sign off on one piece at a time – a pillow here, a new rug there – ’til your vision eventually comes to fruition. PRO: He will not realize he’s been helping with a complete room makeover ’til the quite end. CON: You’ve denied your partner a chance to assist shape your vision and sometimes a healthy debate (or three) can breed better results.
3. The Multiple Choice: Ask your husband to assist find new curtains and simply watch his eyes glaze over. But ask your husband to pick between your top 2 or 3 choices and you will find a guy with an actual opinion. PRO: You’ve gotten him involved without letting him steer your design plan off course. CON: Digging up a few options that you can live with requires a bit more homework.
4. The Give And Take: Get around his stonewalling by offering to give in on something else that you’ve been resisting in return. Want him to approve your dream couch? Let him splurge on that Blu-ray player he’s been eying. PRO: You can get to the decision you want in a flash and without much risk of him backtracking. CON: It is gonna take some compromise on your part (and a bit more moolah).
5. The Exit Strategy: If your husband has trouble picturing the wrapped up project, sometimes the ask-for-forgiveness-not-permission approach can work. Simply make sure you’ve planned how to undo the things he may hate, even if it means repainting the whole room or returning certain items (save those receipts!). PRO: No guy can deny a project that has turned out well, especially if he did not have to lift a finger. CON: It may require undoing certain things and apologizing profusely for anything that is irreversible (“sorry I demo’d the bathroom honey”).
For example, I went to work right after we moved into our house and when I returned home this crazy wooden divider was no longer in our living room. Luckily I was especially excited that my wife took matters into her own sledgehammer-loving hands, but it could have gone the other way if she accidentally ripped up the floor while she was at it…
Now what about you? We know we are not the only ones out there who are married and decorating. Do you folks have any other tricks or tactics for settling design disagreements around your house? Spill the beans!
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